loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
