You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
