I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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