Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
