I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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