Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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