No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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