But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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