I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
