you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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