I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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