i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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