I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
