if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
this is an emotional support booty call
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
