which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
