fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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