My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
