Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Houston, we have a squirter
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
