The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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