Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
