just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
