I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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