dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
