They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
