I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
