Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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