so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Randomize
