Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
