She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
