So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
