I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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