i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
