From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
