remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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