I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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