Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
