Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
