the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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