last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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