apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
