i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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