I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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