I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
