between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
