he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
