FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
