I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
