Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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