My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
