There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So vagazzling was a success
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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