How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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